Does Getting Back With an Ex Work?

What does "does getting your ex back work" even mean?

"Does it work" sounds like a yes or no question. In reality, it is a question of probability. Useful definitions of "works":

• you get back together and build a more stable, more satisfying relationship
• you clarify why it failed, defuse conflict patterns, and make a conscious decision together or apart
• you regain emotional stability so that a mature reconnection is possible, without pressure or manipulation

Less helpful definitions would be: "We text again" or "We slept together again". Those are moments, not reliable indicators of long-term relationship health. Research shows that on-off relationships often reunite, but without behavior change they tend to split again (Dailey et al., 2009; Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013). The question is not only: can you get an ex back? It is: under what conditions does lasting relationship health emerge?

The science behind why this feels so intense

The breakup triggers three major systems:

• According to Bowlby, attachment is a biological safety program. Separation activates protest (seeking contact), despair (grief), and eventually detachment.
• Your attachment style (secure, anxious, avoidant) shapes how you respond (Ainsworth et al., Hazan & Shaver).

• Romantic love recruits dopaminergic reward systems. Rejection activates neural networks similar to physical pain (Eisenberger et al., 2003; Kross et al., 2011). Fisher et al. (2010) showed: after rejection, reward and addiction areas light up, which is why you feel withdrawal.

• Breakups elevate cortisol, disrupt sleep and cognition (Field, 2011). Rumination keeps pain alive (Sbarra & Emery, 2005). Emotional co-regulation disappears, your nervous system seeks "safety", often from your ex (Sbarra & Hazan, 2008).

These mechanisms explain why spontaneous "win your ex back" moves can be impulsive and counterproductive. The evidence strongly supports stabilizing first, then acting deliberately.

What research says about getting back together

• On-off prevalence: 37-60% of young adults report at least one reunion (Dailey et al., 2009; Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013).
• Quality: On-off couples report more uncertainty and conflict on average than continuous couples (Vennum & Johnson, 2014).
• Investment model: Commitment depends on satisfaction, investment, and alternatives (Rusbult, 1980, 1983). Getting back together is more likely when investments are high (kids, shared home, overlapping social networks). Caution: investment without behavior change often just stabilizes old patterns.
• Emotion regulation: Contact right after the breakup often worsens mood and prolongs distress (Sbarra & Emery, 2005). A temporary No Contact period can lower physiological arousal and restore perspective.
• Attachment security: Securely attached people process breakups more adaptively and tend to hold more constructive conversations when they reconnect (Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Johnson, 2004).

Factors that influence your odds

• Reason for the breakup: situational stressors (move, job pressure) are more favorable for reunion than fundamental violations of respect or values.
• Attachment styles: anxious patterns reach out too early, avoidant patterns pull back too far, both reduce constructive reconnection.
• Conflict patterns: the "Four Horsemen" — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling — reliably predict breakups according to Gottman. Without reducing them, a reunion stays fragile.
• Time/distance: too fast a return without new skills is a relapse into old loops.
• Responsibility/empathy: mature apology and perspective-taking foster trust (Worthington, 2000).
• Safety: do not attempt this in cases of violence, coercion, stalking. Self-protection and firm boundaries come first.

Timeline: a wise phased approach

No Contact — myth or medicine?

No Contact is not a power play, it is a neurobiologically sound cool-down phase. Studies show: rejection pain and stress peak in the first weeks, frequent trigger contacts prolong arousal (Fisher et al., 2010; Sbarra & Emery, 2005). No Contact helps you:

• cut impulsivity (no late-night "please come back" texts)
• communicate more attractively (calmer, more grounded)
• sort responsibility (what can you truly change?)

Exceptions: kids, shared work, moving out. Then use gray rock: factual, brief, friendly.

Example for kid-related topics:

• Wrong: "Hey, how are you? The kids miss you. I do too..."
• Right: "Handoff Friday 6:00 PM at the usual spot. Does that work?"

Duration: 30-45 days is a practical window. Longer if you are still highly impulsive, shorter if you both already de-escalate and communicate maturely.

Self-regulation: how to calm your nervous system

• Prioritize sleep: fixed bedtimes, no doomscrolling in bed.
• Movement: 30-45 minutes of brisk walking/training daily if possible, lowers stress and boosts self-efficacy.
• Breathing: 4-7-8 breathing, physiological sigh, 5 minutes daily.
• Journaling: 10 minutes to put thoughts on paper, then put the page away.
• Stimulus control: archive photos/chats, avoid social-media stalking (Marshall, 3).
• Social co-regulation: talk to safe people. Ground rules: no ex-bashing, focus on understanding and stability.

Pattern detective: why did it fall apart?

Use three questions:

1. Which behavior loops drove conflict? (identify Gottman’s criticism-defensiveness-contempt-stonewalling)
2. How did your attachment styles fit? (anxious-avoidant pairings are often volatile)
3. Which external stressors? (move, job, caregiving, money)

Write concrete scenes: who said what, what did you feel, what do you need differently next time? Without this analysis, "getting your ex back" is often only a quick flare-up.

Practical strategies for reconnection

• Communication guidelines: brief, clear, friendly. No blame, no pressure.
• Timing: do not text at night or right after triggers.
• Signal of maturity: own your share without "Yes, but you..."
• Positive valence: gentle, unobtrusive positivity (humor, gratitude).
• Pace: better too slow than too fast. Micro-steps.

Example templates (adapt them):

• First contact after No Contact: "Hey Alex, hope your week is calm. I want to apologize for my part over the last weeks, especially for X. I am working on Y. No pressure to reply. Wishing you a good day."
• Shared memory, no pressure: "I walked past that small coffee shop today where we always laughed because the server never got our names right. It made me smile. Hope you are doing okay."
• Request to talk: "If you are open to it, I would meet next week for a 20-minute coffee. No relationship debate, just a quick hello and check-in. If not, that is okay."

What to avoid:

• negotiating, begging, threats, jealousy as a lever, testing ("Why did you reply so late?"), long relationship texts.

Understand attachment, show secure behavior

• Secure style: speak openly about feelings, be clear about boundaries, offer/ask for support.
• Anxious style: tendency to cling/overcommunicate, set reply windows for yourself (for example 24 hours), practice self-soothing, do not seek all safety from your ex.
• Avoidant style: tendency to withdraw/avoid emotions, offer brief honest glimpses ("I get overwhelmed quickly and need a 30-minute break, then I will come back to the conversation").

Show "secure signals": respectful tone, reliable follow-through, kept promises, tolerance for disagreements without punishment.

Gottman tools for Conversation 2.0

• Soft start-up: I-statements, be concrete, be kind.
• Use repair attempts: humor, quick de-escalators ("Let’s take a breath").
• Physiological self-soothing: 20-minute break when flooded.
• Accept influence: not about being right, about connecting.

Example: "I notice I get critical quickly under stress. That is unfair. I want to practice breathing first, then making a request. Would it be okay to use a code word when we are overloaded and take a 15-minute break?"

EFT perspective (Johnson): share emotions safely

• Name primary emotions: "Under my anger there is often fear of not mattering."
• Make attachment bids: "It helps me when, during conflict, you say: 'I am here, we will work this out.'"
• Cycle over blame: "Our dance is 'I pursue, you withdraw'. Let’s change the dance."

Decision tree: is "getting your ex back" sensible?

• Was there violence, severe disrespect, humiliation? Then: no, focus on self-protection.
• Were the main problems skills deficits (communication, stress), external stressors? Then: possibly yes, if both want to learn.
• Is your ex not interested? Respect it. You can only change your side.
• Is there willingness on both sides to test new agreements? Good sign.

Real-world scenarios

• Sarah (34), 6-year relationship, breakup after burnout: both exhausted, lots of fights. Sarah does 45 days of No Contact, starts therapy, cuts extra shifts. Gentle message, coffee, apology for harsh tone under stress. They set a "stop and reset" ritual. After 3 months of a pilot phase, fewer escalations. Result: getting back together is possible, because patterns were addressed.
• Tim (29), 1.5 years, anxious-avoidant: Tim texts excessively, ex reacts with irritation. Tim learns co-regulation alternatives (friend, exercise, breathing), takes 30 days off. Then a short, clear message. Meeting with a rule of "no history debates". Tim practices not pursuing when his ex withdraws. After 2 meetings, the ex notices new security. Slow build. Result: it can work, but only with real behavior change.
• Layla (41), 2 kids, breakup due to disrespect in fights: Layla recognizes her sarcastic style. She works 8 weeks on a gentle start. First talk: sincere apology without "but". Ex sees change, wants to test parent communication. After 2 months, school nights go well, couple status still open. Result: maybe, focus on co-parenting first.
• Jonas (38), breakup after infidelity: Jonas takes responsibility, studies trust rebuilding (transparency, consistency, patience). No pressure to reconcile. After 4 months of stable, respectful contact, the ex agrees to a process. Couples therapy. Result: possible, but long-term with deep work.
• Mira (27), highly avoidant partner, no interest: after gentle outreach, ex stays distant. Mira accepts the boundary, invests in goals and friendships. After 3 months she feels more self-worth and calm. Result: not possible, still a success for Mira’s life.
• Daniel (33), toxic pattern, insults: Daniel feels the urge to go back. Counseling clarifies risks. He cuts contact, builds support. Result: in this case, letting go is the healing move.

Ethical principles for "getting your ex back"

• Autonomy: you respect the other person’s decisions.
• Honesty: no covert tactics, no jealousy games.
• Accountability: focus on your share and concrete changes.
• Benevolence: aim for a safe, respectful dynamic, or a mature goodbye.

Concrete checklist: before the first meeting

• I can say in 1-2 sentences what I will do differently.
• I can listen without immediately defending myself.
• I have an exit strategy if it goes sideways (for example a 30-minute cap).
• I will respect a no, without pressure or guilt.
• I have support lined up afterward (friend, walk, notebook).

The first conversation: a guide

1. Frame: neutral place, 60-90 minutes, no alcohol or loud venue.
2. Start: thank them for coming, clarify intent ("No pressure, I want to understand and own my part").
3. Listen: reflect back ("Did I get it right that...?").
4. Responsibility: "My part was X. I intend to do Y differently. I am already working on Z."
5. Small ask: "Would it help you if, in situation A, I do/say this?"
6. Close: "Let’s let this settle for a week. If you want, we can text briefly next week."

If it goes well: design the pilot phase

• One daily connection ritual (10 minutes of attention).
• A weekly state-of-us (20-30 minutes, review without blame).
• Conflict rule: soft start, repairs, pauses, debrief.
• Self-expansion: new micro-adventures together (Aron et al.).
• Trust rebuilding after breaches: transparency, predictability, micro-promises, patience.

Stay measurable, stay human

What you can track (for yourself):

• how often conversations derail (goal: reduce)
• reply latency without anxiety (goal: more ease)
• kept micro-promises (goal: reliability)
• felt safety after meetings (goal: increase)

No gamified A/B testing on humans. The purpose is self-reflection, not manipulation.

What kills your chances fastest?

• pressure, ultimatums, tests
• public "relationship debates" on social media
• constantly reheating old conflicts with no new method
• hot-cold as a way to provoke reactions
• promises without consistency

What boosts your chances most?

• visible self-regulation (calmer tone, pauses, no text novels)
• clear accountability narrative (no blame-shifting)
• small, visible changes over weeks
• mature boundary work (say no without attack, say yes without self-abandonment)
• humor and warmth when appropriate, safe lightness signals regulation

Kids and getting back together: special care

• Kids first: reliable, predictable handoffs, neutral communication.
• No conflicts in front of children.
• Reconnection very slow, stable, transparent, no on-off roller coaster.
• Co-parenting quality is more important than couple status. Sometimes maturity means: good co-parents, separate partners.

Common myths

• "If I just explain enough, they will understand." Intensity does not replace safety.
• "No message equals power." Silent treatment is not the same as planned No Contact for healing.
• "Jealousy makes me attractive." Maybe a short-term reaction, long-term it destroys trust.
• "We love each other, so that is enough." Love without skills repeats old loops.

Mini case workshop: messages that work

• Apology: "I did/said X. That was hurtful. I am sincerely sorry. I am working on Y and I am willing to take the time it takes. Thank you for hearing me."
• Boundary: "I notice late-night debates do not help me. I will reply tomorrow after 10 AM. This matters to me so I can stay respectful."
• Invitation: "Would you like a 20-minute walk next week, no pressure? If not, that is okay."

If there is no response

• Wait 7-14 days, do not nudge.
• Send at most one follow-up: "Just checking my message came through. No rush. If you are not interested, I respect that."
• Then practice letting go. Keeping your dignity protects you and is attractive.

Self-worth without your ex: your unfair advantage

• Self-expansion independent of the relationship increases attractiveness and joy.
• New skills, social activities, meaningful projects are not tactics, they are your life. Paradoxically, this often raises the chance of a mature reconnection.

Sustainability: if you get back together

• Name early warning signs (criticism, contempt, stonewalling).
• Conflict ritual: soft start, time limit, pause, aftercare.
• Weekly check-in: "What went well? What do we need?"
• Date intimacy: two hours of quality time per week without screens.
• Repair culture: address small injuries promptly, do not stack them.
• Normalize outside help (coaching/therapy), prevention beats firefighting.

FAQ - short and honest

Conclusion: hope with backbone

The honest answer to "does getting your ex back work" is: it can, if the conditions are right. The evidence supports calming your nervous system first, understanding your attachment pattern, and building concrete relationship skills. Then, reach out respectfully and without pressure, with a real commitment to change the dance together. Sometimes that path leads back to each other. Sometimes it leads to inner calm and a life that carries you, which makes you safer in every future relationship. Hope, yes, but always with respect, clarity, and self-care.

Deep dive: breakup reasons and matching strategies

Not every reason has the same "reconnection logic". A nuanced view increases your chances and protects against misjudgments.

• Communication wear-and-tear: frequent criticism, quick escalation, defensiveness.
  What argues for reconnection? Patterns are skills, skills can be learned.
  What is needed? Conversation rules, soft start-ups, pause agreements, debriefs.
• External stressors: job pressure, caregiving, move, exams.
  Pro-reconnection: if stress drops and you add new coping, improvement is realistic.
  Step: map the load (who/what/how long), add resources (delegation, protected time blocks, relief).
• Anxious-avoidant dynamics: one pursues, one withdraws.
  Pro-reconnection: with practice, security can grow.
  Step: the anxious partner practices self-soothing and clear requests, the avoidant partner practices mini-openness and reliable return after pauses.
• Value/boundary violations (disrespect, lying):
  Against reconnection if there is no insight/change.
  For reconnection if real accountability, transparency, and visible repair behaviors show up over weeks.
• Infidelity:
  Possible, but only with structured trust repair (transparency window, question times, trigger management, patience).
• Sexual dissatisfaction:
  Pro if you can talk about desires and safely plan small experiments.
  Step: Yes/No/Maybe list, no pressure, aftercare.
• Different life plans (kids, location, religion):
  Against, if incompatible.
  For, if real compromises are sustainable on both sides, not performative concessions.

Digital hygiene, social media, and friend groups

Digital traces are triggers in their own right. Clear hygiene protects you from painful rumination loops.

• Unfollow/mute accounts that trigger you, temporary is fine.
• Archive instead of delete: save photos/chats, then put them away to avoid impulsive actions.
• Do not use status posts as signals. No "look how happy I am" theatrics.
• Brief mutual friends: "Please do not put me in information loops."
• No hidden tests (reading story views, fake accounts, baiting reactions).
• If contact is necessary: gray rock, short, factual, friendly.

30-day reset plan (practical)

• Week 1 - grounding: sleep, food, exercise, 2 safe contacts. Write 10 minutes a day: feeling - thought - action. No ex contact except logistics.
• Week 2 - manage withdrawal: digital hygiene, breathing, 2 micro-joys daily (sun, coffee, music). Build a trigger list, define counters.
• Week 3 - skills: I-statements, soft start-up, 20-minute rule. One hour of psychoeducation (article/video) on attachment or Gottman.
• Week 4 - perspective: written pattern analysis, 3 concrete changes (for example no fighting over text, a pause code). Draft first-contact message, let it sit 48 hours.

Message library (extended)

Choose at most one per week, short, respectful, no double meanings.

• Pure responsibility: "I often did X. That was hurtful. I am working on Y and I will take the time. Thank you for reading this, no need to reply unless it is good for you."
• Low-key neutral: "Hey, I noticed [topic] is coming up. If you want help with [specific], let me know. No pressure."
• Light invitation: "I will be in your neighborhood Wednesday at 5 PM. If a 15-minute walk feels okay, let me know. If not, totally fine."
• Season/occasion: "Happy birthday, I hope you have a calm, good day. No expectations."
• Concrete amends: "I resolved the outstanding [XY] item. Wanted to let you know because it mattered to me to complete my part."
• Block lifted: if you were blocked and are suddenly reachable, no blame: "I see messages go through again. I respect it if you want distance. I will only write again if you want me to."

Meetings 1-3: structure that creates safety

• Meeting 1 - temperature check: 45-60 minutes, neutral activity (walk). Goal: friendly tone, no history fights.
• Meeting 2 - responsibility and needs: share your 1-2 core points, ask for their view. Stop if stress signs rise (pulse, faster voice).
• Meeting 3 - mini pilot: one concrete micro-agreement (for example 20-minute pause during stress, then return). Review after 1-2 weeks.

Sex with an ex - opportunity or pitfall?

• Pro: can activate attachment signals when safety and agreements are clear.
• Con: confusing if there is intimacy without clarity.
• Guideline: only after a clarifying conversation and a mini pilot. Agree ahead of time on contraception, exclusivity, and communication after the meetup. No sex as a test, no pressure.

Different starting points: who left whom?

• If you ended it: do not expect an apology to fix everything. Show stability over weeks. No pushing, no "I changed my mind, so let’s go".
• If you were left: avoid self-devaluation. Build self-efficacy. Targets: calmer tone, hold boundaries, do not pursue.

Long-distance or weekend relationships: specifics

• Distance amplifies misunderstandings. Use video instead of text for important topics.
• Plan visits: align expectations in writing beforehand (quality time vs. to-dos).
• Rituals: weekly closeness check-in (3 questions: what felt good, what was hard, what do we change next week).
• Reconnection: first reduce digital overload (no constant texting), then short, well-defined visits.

Co-parenting: micro-scripts for stability

• Handoff: "Today 6:00 PM, backpack with homework and meds is packed."
• Info: "Teacher conference went well, summary attached. Next appointment Mar 12, 4:30 PM."
• Conflict: "I hear your concern. Let’s talk for 10 minutes tomorrow, just about next week’s childcare."
• New partners: transparency, slow pace, clear house rules, kids first.

Early warning system and de-escalation

• Body signs: racing pulse, heat, tight chest, pause trigger.
• Cognitive signs: black-and-white thinking, mind reading, "always/never" words.
• De-escalation protocol: code word, 20-minute break (no rumination), return with one statement of goodwill ("I want us to handle this well").
• Aftercare: brief summary of what each person will do differently next time.

End cleanly if it does not work

A mature goodbye is not failure, it is care.

• Closing conversation short and kind: "I notice we are not finding each other right now. I respect that. Thank you for the good between us. I honestly wish you well."
• Optional letter (do not send if it is only a vent): write what you learned, what you are grateful for, what you release.
• Ritual: end symbolically (burn the letter, take a walk at a place where you say goodbye on purpose).
• Afterward: 30 days of no contact, focus on self-expansion.

Six principles for Relationship 2.0

1. Safety before content: tone, pace, presence.
2. Small steps, big impact: micro-promises over grand promises.
3. Responsibility over blame: "My share is...", no "Yes, but".
4. Pauses save relationships: stop in time, reliably return.
5. Closeness is a practice: connection rituals, not only when time permits.
6. Normalize help: coaching/therapy as a gym for your relationship.

Reunion readiness check (for you)

Answer honestly, the more yeses, the more sensible the next step.

• I can wait 24-48 hours for a reply without pushing.
• I know 2-3 concrete behavior changes I am already practicing.
• I respect a no without counterattack or pressure.
• I can name mistakes without tearing myself down.
• I have a support net (2 people) that grounds me.
• I seek closeness without losing myself.

Extended FAQ - tricky situations

Breakup types: diagnosis - pattern - action

Not every breakup has the same temperature. The strategy should fit the type.

• Sudden breakup after escalation: lots of adrenaline, harsh words.
  Pattern: flooding, defensiveness, injury.
  Action: 2-4 weeks of clear distance, no post-mortem over text. Then a brief responsibility signal, only then a meeting request at a neutral place.
• Slow fade ("We turned into roommates"): closeness faded, little fighting, lots of distance.
  Pattern: neglect, no rituals, no self-expansion.
  Action: show initiative with concrete proposals for micro-rituals and new shared experiences, no pressure. Emphasize small, doable, repeatable.
• Ultimatum breakup ("Change X or..."): one issue ignored too long.
  Pattern: promises without follow-through, trust fatigue.
  Action: no talk before visible changes. Show change through behavior (for example started therapy, adjusted work hours), not words.
• Third-party influence (family, friends, culture, work): loyalty conflicts.
  Pattern: unclear boundaries to the outside, coalitions.
  Action: clear boundary work (us vs. the problem), explicit agreements about who gets what access and influence.
• Long-distance/time zones: misunderstandings, latency.
  Pattern: over-texting, little quality time.
  Action: redesign communication architecture (set video times, no tough topics late at night, align expectations before visits).

14-day micro program for self-stability

• Days 1-2: sleep reset (fixed times, screen fast 60 minutes before bed).
• Day 3: declutter session 30 minutes, archive digital triggers.
• Day 4: breath pack 10 minutes (4-7-8 plus physiological sigh).
• Day 5: values check, name 3 core values you want to live in relationship.
• Day 6: communication drill, turn three criticisms into requests.
• Day 7: social refuel, 2 safe contacts, no ex-looping.
• Day 8: body, 45-minute brisk walk without music, ground your nervous system.
• Day 9: if-then plan against triggers ("If I want to stalk, I call X and step outside for 10 minutes").
• Day 10: mini courage rep, set one honest, kind boundary in another area of life.
• Day 11: psychoeducation, 30-60 minutes on attachment styles.
• Day 12: gratitude list (5 items, not ex-related).
• Day 13: creative time 30 minutes (music, drawing, cooking), rebalance dopamine.
• Day 14: review what worked, what you need next week.

If you already did "everything wrong"

Many people do things they later regret after a breakup: begging, blaming, long chat fights. Repair is possible.

• Hit pause: 14 days without relationship debates.
• Responsibility signal: "I realized my messages over the last weeks created pressure. I am sorry. I am taking space and working on myself. If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out."
• No justification loops: do not explain why you "had to". Short, clear, kind is enough.
• Show consistency: at least 3-4 weeks without pushing, that is more powerful than words.

Boundary work: examples that connect instead of divide

• Time boundary: "I cannot read your message attentively tonight. I will get back to you tomorrow between 10 and 12."
• Topic focus: "I only want to settle the key handoff today, everything else later when we are calmer."
• Self-protection: "I will end this conversation if the tone gets hurtful. It matters to me that we stay respectful."

90-day plan after a successful reconnection

• Days 1-30: build stability
  • 10 minutes of daily attention (no phone).
  • Conflict stop rule with a code word.
  • One new micro-ritual together (for example Sunday coffee).
• Days 31-60: deepen
  • Weekly state-of-us.
  • One small shared challenge (class, project).
  • Repair culture: address small hurts within 48 hours.
• Days 61-90: build the future
  • a shared 6-12 month roadmap (time, money, family, vacation).
  • clarity on boundaries with third parties (in-laws, ex-partners, social media).
  • backslide plan: what we do if old patterns show up.

Red flags vs. yellow flags

• Red flags (stop): violence, threats, severe gaslighting, chronic disloyalty, active addiction without treatment.
• Yellow flags (caution, workable): unreliability under stress, emotion avoidance, poor conversation structure.
• How to handle yellow flags: name it plus a micro-agreement plus a review date in 2-3 weeks.

When professional help makes sense

• You spin in the same 2-3 conflicts despite effort.
• One or both feel flooded quickly (crying/shutdown/flight).
• There were trust breaches (infidelity, lying) and you want structured healing.
• Trauma history colors your interactions.
• You have kids and want to protect co-parenting.
  Note: good practitioners work trauma-sensitively, attachment-oriented, with clear boundaries.

Summary in 10 sentences

1. Getting an ex back is not a yes or no, it is a probability question.
2. Distance first calms brain and heart, then action gets smarter.
3. Without new skills, a reunion is usually a replay.
4. Responsibility beats justification.
5. Small, consistent actions beat big words.
6. No manipulation, ethics are part of attractiveness.
7. Attachment security is trainable.
8. Humor and warmth are high-leverage repairs.
9. Co-parenting needs stability before status.
10. Sometimes the best "getting back" is getting yourself back.